I Lost God

I lost God. Somewhere in the past two years or so, I lost God. It wasn’t like I set him down and forgot where I put him. It’s not like I dropped him and don’t remember where. It’s more like that t-shirt I used to love. The one I wore so much that it got holes in it. But then I amassed more t-shirts and a few more pounds and that once-favorite t-shirt was pushed to the back of the closet. Forgotten back there. Lost but known. Every now and then, when I run out of t-shirts because my wife is away, or because I've been so busy lately that I didn't wash...then that t-shirt comes to the forefront and I try it on and revel it it’s comfy-ness. But for the most part it is relegated to the back of the closet…forgotten, lost, discarded, replaced by the new, the now, the "better". That’s how it’s been with God lately. I seem to have pushed him to the back of my life—replacing him with all sorts of other urgent, pressing matters. Every now and then, in times of quiet, in times when I am out of everything else in life, He pops out for a short visit, but really he’s been relegated to the back of the rack in my life.

I’m not sure how it happened. It just did. And so lately I have been thinking about it more and more. Thinking about doing something to jump-start my Christian life. I like that—it’s safe. Thinking about doing something. See, there is no real onus for me. No commitment to actually doing something. I have tried. I start to pray and by the second minute my mind is on other things. I open the Bible and as I read I approach it more as a text or novel than as a personal letter from a loving God. I try and make it to church…when I am not sleep deprived from work, or when there is no community pumpkin-fest to attend, or when it’s not a "bad" morning for the three kids, or, or, or… I have picked up a few Christian books but then I get a new issue of ESPN the Magazine and God is replaced by God Shamgod (he’s a pro basketball player). I try to be happy and joyful but I think my dose of Zoloft might be too low…and I am sure that the fact that I battle with depression must preclude me from even being able to go to church…obviously I don’t pray enough to be filled by God’s joy…J-O-Y down in my heart…deep, deep, down in my heart…

In times of honesty I want to go back to the Kevin that I was 10 years ago or 15 years ago. I want to be the on-fire, living-for-Christ kid that trusted God for his next meal and his next breath. I want to put on that t-shirt that was so comfy that I wore it every day. I want to go back a dozen years and be the Young Life leader that had it all together in front of hundreds of searching high school kids. The sold-out witness to Christ. I want God to like me again.
But then I start to think…what did the Kevin of a dozen years ago really want himself: He wanted to walk with God and talk with God every opportunity he had. He wanted to be like Jesus. He wanted to emulate Christ. Which brought me to my next question: why not skip the middle man, why not skip the fun-house mirror reflection that the "better" Kevin was (because in my honest times I have to admit that even then I was only a poor reflection of my Savior)…why not skip that stuff and go straight for the Creator. Maybe I don’t want to be like the Kevin of a dozen years ago…maybe I just want to be like Christ. Yeah, that might be better.
But that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon. But I can try. I can want it.

I love this prayer from Thomas Murton:


Lord God, we have no idea where we are going.
We do not see the road ahead of us.
We cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do we really know ourselves, and the fact that we think we are following your will does not mean that we are actually doing so.
But we believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And we hope we have that desire in all that we are doing.
We hope that we will never do anything apart from that desire.
And we know that if we do this, you will lead us by the right road, though we may know nothing about it.
Therefore, we will trust you always though we may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
We will not fear, for you are ever with us, and you will never leave us to face our perils alone.
Amen.


Today, just today, I hope that my desire to please Him, pleases Him. And maybe that road that I am on now is not truly the best path but I hope my effort is rewarded and I hope that my desire is pure. I hope a lot don't I? But then isn't that the essence of faith...a hope that is grounded in assurance. I hope I am becoming more like Him...I hope that you will help me...I'm not there yet but hope I soon will be closer. I hope I find God and I hope I’m like a little kid who finds a frog in the woods or rides out a gulley-washer of a thunderstorm or sees a rainbow after a storm…full of wonder and awe. I have a feeling God plays hide-and seek or lost-and-found like my 4 year old. He hides in the corner (not behind anything mind you) and giggles alot…he wants to be found…he wants to play…he loves the game…he loves being pursued….yea, I think God is a lot like that.